I Don't Think We're in Kansas Anymore
by Shepard of the Lost
Summary: Two women find themselves in a world not their own. One filled with ninjas. How will the two ever survive and make it back home? Will they even want to go home? Ninjas are more accepting of witches than most. Kotetsu/Izumo, Sasu/Naru, Kakashi/OC, Gaara/OC, (dear god it's a self insert)
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Alright, so, I've been on hiatus for a while now and I promise I will get back to that story about Prince Altair and peasant Malik eventually BUT. (gods help me) a friend (Phoebe the Master Thief) and I have fallen back into the void that is the Naruto fandom. We're doing a thing. Here is that thing. I need to throw a disclaimer in that the pagan rituals/spells portrayed in this chapter and possible future chapters are total bullshit that we made up for llama drama. No blood magic was actually preformed in the making of this story.**

** Phoebe: Alexi belongs to Shepard, and Alyssa belongs to me. This first chapter was written by the both of us. I wrote the first half, and she wrote the rest. All subsequent chapters will be written (mostly) by one person. Alternating characters as the chapters go.**

**Shep: This is sort of a self insert but not lame. Alright, warnings and disclaimers are done. Now read you fucking cuties. **

High pitched shrieking filled the air, something that left a ringing in your ears. Alyssa sighed, pushing her fingers against her temples in an attempt to stop the throbbing headache she was experiencing. Yelling children ran around the room, the loud noises of arcade games mixing with the screams in an awful cacophony of sound. Annoyance flooded through her, and she checked her phone once more to see how much longer she had to endure this torture. _'Five more minutes,'_ she thought. _'Five more minutes and I'm gone. Forever._ The thought brought a smile to Alyssa's face. For two years she had worked here, and now she was finally moving on. Granted, it was to another entry level job, but still.

The next five minutes passed quickly. Alyssa cheered inwardly, and practically skipped to the exit. "By Casey, bye Bryce, bye Lilah!" She received halfhearted waves, her coworkers still having a few hours left of work. She happily walked through the parking lot to her car, slid into her seat and checked her rear-view mirror. What looked back at her was a nineteen year old girl with eyes that decided to be green that day framed behind blue, metal rimmed glasses. She put her hands up to fix the dark eggplant colored faux hawk she had gotten on a whim. Surprisingly it looked very good on her.

_"I am the very model of a scientist salarian,"_ Alyssa reached into her pocket to produce her cell phone. She hummed along with Mordin for a bit before opening her phone. "What's up, Lex?" Alexi, or Lex as Alyssa called her, had been Alyssa's best friend for years. The two of them were almost exactly alike, the only differences being key personality points. Where Alyssa was mostly calm Alexi was mostly hyper. Alyssa was more physically violent in her anger, taking an icy stare and keeping a low and deadly tone, whereas Alexi became livid in her movements, and verbally voiced her offense. The two of them shared interests, and reacted almost the same to everything. Sometimes people mistook them for sisters, and they were, of a sort. Soul sisters, they called themselves. They managed to find each other in each life they had. Yes, they believed in reincarnation. No, they didn't make that public knowledge.

_"You wanna head over and hang out? We could play Mass Effect, or have a Naruto marathon."_ Alyssa laughed at the second suggestion. They were big into Naruto when they were in their early teens, and had just recently decided to re watch it, for nostalgia. "I'm all for watching some Naruto. I'm on way over now."

* * *

The two grown ass women were currently watching Naruto with slightly more enthusiasm than necessary. Granted, most of that enthusiasm came from random comments and pointing out plot holes. They finished the only box set in Alexi's possession, and began simply chatting about their days.

Alexi had had a rather uneventful day of drawing and writing in her grimoire. Alyssa gushed over the her new tattoo design, courtesy of her friend. Tarots were read, runes were deciphered. The two being the only two pagans they knew were constantly bouncing philosophical theories and magical techniques off each other. That evening was no different.

"Dude, it's Litha." Alexi proclaimed in hushed excitement after checking her phone's calender. "Oooh, and it's a full moon!"

"Woo! Is there a ritual we need to do?" Alyssa asked expectantly.

"There is but, it's not really a major holiday. A lot of trad pagans only celebrate the big four. I doubt the gods will frown too much upon us if we just take advantage of a thin veil and loose energy." the other girl said with a shrug and a grin. "There's this thing I wanna try. An astral projection technique that I think might work but I haven't tested it yet."

"What?"

"Ok, well, don't freak out but, it's sort of blood magic."

Immediate recognition of the Dragon Age reference only got Alexi a suspicious look from her friend.

"Chill bro, no demons. Just gimme your necklace. Here, you take mine." The exchange was made and Alexi went to the kitchen to grab a small pocket knife off the top of the fridge and a lighter. She reentered the room and sat across from Alyssa on the cleared floor, cross-legged with a the blade out. She flicked on the lighter and used the flame to sterilize the knife and said, "okay, just prick your finger like so," she demonstrated with only a small wince, "and bleed on the object." She pressed her figure to Alyssa's necklace, the bead of red smearing onto the pendant. She re-sterilized the blade and handed it to the other woman who merely stared at it with apprehension.

"Um, do we really have to? I mean, it feels kind of...wrong." Alyssa seemed to squirm a bit before adding, "and you know how my pain tolerance for small pain is really low."

"Nah, blood is just so we don't get separated in the astral. Also, don't be a baby. It's just a small prick. It only hurts for a second."

Alyssa sighed, and pressed the tip of the knife to her finger. The prick itself wasn't all that bad, it was the feeling of dread that rolled around in her stomach that made her hesitate. She took a deep breath and smeared the blood on Alexi's pendant.

"Okay, gimme." She said and they swapped their necklaces again. "See you in the astral plains." Alexi waved as if they were parting ways for the evening. They feel into their meditative states and push their consciousness into the astral. Their respective starting points were merged into one and they saw each other across a vast field with tall grass and a surrounding forest. Alexi lifted her arm to wave and get her friends attention while she crossed the field in a hurry.

Halfway through, a heaviness began to weigh on her shoulders. Alexi spent enough time in the astral plains to know when something felt so unfamiliar, it was generally a good idea to shield against it. She erected a transparent wall of energy that encased her in a hallow globe. A great, blue dragon floated along the walls as if it were alive but two dimensional. She trusted Alyssa would know to do the same. Still, though, the heaviness didn't lift immediately. That was odd. She focused on the feeling. It wasn't threatening, though it didn't seem too pleased with her shield. Was it a spirit she had met before? No, none of them were particularly heavy. Even the old dragon had an air similar to that one feels walking into a library. Who, then? Or what?

There was not much time to figure out the answer. Alexi was suddenly slammed into and pushed back quite a ways. She attempted her usual defenses but something seemed to be blocking her channeling of energy. She was thrown into the forest, deeper and deeper until it was completely black. She felt a sudden panic when she realized she couldn't breathe and felt the drag of grass and dirt and small rock against exposed skin. When the pushing finally stopped and everything was quiet, she sat up with a desperate gasp and looked around.

"The fuck was that?!" She shouted.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello everyone, Phoebe here! I don't own Naruto, everything in this chapter is pure fiction, yada yada. You get the picture. Thank you to everyone who read the first chapter, and I hope you enjoy this one! Next chapter will follow Alexi.**

A breeze flitted through the air, stirring Alyssa's hair, but not quite touching her. The astral plains were strange that way, in that you could feel something, but couldn't feel it. It was as if you know what it should feel like, so your nerves sort of felt it. The first time Alyssa experienced it she was unnerved. Now it was something her brain only half registered. It was normal.

The heavy feeling in the air, however, was far from normal. Alyssa looked across the clearing, giving Alexi a quizzical look. Alexi spent more time in the plains than Alyssa did, and the latter was wondering if maybe the heavy air was something to be expected. When she saw the two dimensional dragon that was Alexi's shield her body tensed. Alyssa looked around quickly, tying to spot what could be putting Alexi on edge, but found nothing. She threw up her own shield, the shimmering energy forming a bubble around her. Though it was transparent there was enough color to give her shield a visible shape. Round Roman shields formed the bubble around her, their edges touching the others around them. In the spaces left by the circular shields spear heads could be seen poking through. It had been an effective barrier so far.

The weight didn't lift, and before Alyssa knew it her shield was being pressed upon. The force of the pressure caused her to fall to her knees, arms thrown up in a desperate attempt to keep her shield from collapsing. The attempt proved futile as the energy shattered. Alyssa's eyes widened in fear. Her shield had never been broken before, and she had never felt so vulnerable.

There was no time to stew in her fear, as the force slammed into Alyssa herself. The air was knocked out of her lungs, and she clawed frantically at the ground in an effort to stop her slide. Her attempt only cut up her hands, and as the force pulled her deeper into the forest she could only try to keep breathing. Her vision went black, and Alyssa could feel twigs snapping under her body. Oh, how she wished she could see.

Finally it stopped. Alyssa gasped, taking in as much air as she could. She cast out her energy, trying to find where the force was, but it was gone. She shakily pushed herself to her feet and looked around. She was still in a forest, but the breeze she felt now was not the half real wind of the plains, but touched her fully like the real world.

"What the hell?" If Alyssa had been thrown out of the plains she should have been back in Alexi's house. Not out in the woods. Speaking of Alexi, where was she?

"Lex?" Alyssa's voice called out to the trees. Some birds took flight at the call, but Alexi did not answer. "This isn't good." Worry for her friend consumed Alyssa's thoughts. She called for Alexi as she walked through the trees, but after what seemed like hours of no response she gave up. It seemed she was on her own.

Dejectedly Alyssa sat down on a log, her feet aching from the walk. "Lexi, where are you?" The question was quiet, the sad mumble of a woman who was lost without a friend. Alyssa sat on the log long enough to catch her breath before moving on. "I need to find shelter for the night."

It was then that Alyssa felt a huge spike of energy. At first she thought it was Alexi, but her hope was dashed when she realized that the energy was unfamiliar to her. It was aggressive, hostile, and malicious. Definitely not Alexi.

Despite the fact that Alyssa usually avoided things that might harm her, she needed to get out of the forest. As quietly as she could manage she headed towards the energy she had felt. Her own energy she pulled as tightly to her body as she could. Normally people couldn't detect energy at all, but there were the occasional gifted people who could, and by the way the hostile energy was flaring it seemed whoever it belonged to could use it.

Alyssa parted some bushes and froze. Before her was a large clearing, though the ground was torn up and some of the trees burnt. What made her lock up was the telltale red of blood. Three men stood in the clearing, and Alyssa quickly took looked them over. One of the men was bleed heavily, a hand at his side to staunch his wound. He was panting, and looked ready to collapse. The other two looked a bit beat up, but nowhere near as bad. One of the men was supporting the wounded one, eying the third closely. Were they fighting?

Upon closer examination all three of the men were wearing loose pants that were easy to move in and a vest with a bunch of pockets. Headbands were tied around their heads, and though Alyssa couldn't see what was on them they reminded her of something. In fact, all three of them looked like they were in Naruto cosplay.

Wait. How was this possible? One moment Alyssa was in the astral plains, the next she's in a forest with cosplayers who seemed to be taking it a little bit too far? Something was way wrong, especially since she could sense strong energy in all of them. It wasn't normal for regular people to have that much energy, save for the wounded man who had significantly less energy than the others.

The tension came to a head as the two non-exhausted men leaped at each other. Alyssa didn't even see them move. They were too fast for her eyes to follow, the only thing alerting her to where they were was the sounds of battle. The occasional grunt and ring of steel had her frozen in place. None of this was possible. What the fuck was going on?


	3. Chapter 3

Alexi was confused beyond measure, had no idea where Alyssa was, and, in no small measure, freaked out. Was she still in the astral? She wasn't in any part she recognized and she couldn't summon her guide; the spirit that helped her navigate unfamiliar places. She wasn't able to pull herself out of the astral either. That was either a result of the blood and she simply couldn't leave without Alyssa, or something that told her she wasn't in the plains any longer. Then how did she get in the forest? Nothing really made sense. Alexi just wanted to focus on finding Alyssa at the moment.

It was getting late, though. And she was tiered. Maybe if she slept here, she'd wake up in her living room. Still, she kept walking. It was good practice, even in the astral plains, to find a seemingly safe place to rest. She'd been walking, aimlessly through these woods for some time now. No sign on life other than the small creatures one would expect to find in a forest.

The sun had nearly set when she noticed the trees beginning to thin out, more dirt than grass and fallen leave, warm wind blowing gently in her face. Then she reached the outermost edge of the forest. In front of her was a vest, dry desert. She pursed her lips, pointed her finger in the general direction of the distant sand dunes and said, "Nope." Alexi turned on her heels, muttering to herself, "No way. Fuck that." She grumbled rather loudly to herself with evident frustration. It drew attention.

Rustling in the tree tops sent her into a moderate and reasonable panic. She had no idea what could possibly be big enough to make such a ruckus. She crouched down, "The fuck is this? Son of a bitch, I am so done right now." She looked around to see if she could find cover but before she could dive for a promising bush, a small group of men dropped down from the trees, effectively dragging an embarrassing squeal from her lungs. In her panic she tripped over her own feet and fell right on her ass.

"Oh…"One of the men said, "Uh, you're not… Who are you?"

"What? Me? What? Wait…is that…?" Alexi was struggling to think through her cluster-fuck of emotions, the top three being frustration, anxiety, and confusion. However, she did manage to take notice of the clothing the men wore. The two in back wore loose fitting clothes and head coverings appropriate for travel in the desert. A piece of metal lay across each one of their foreheads and engraved in that metal was…the sand village insignia? The one that apparently led them was clearly Kankuro. It should not be Kankuro. Kankuro was an anime character. At this point, Alexi was utterly convinced she was still in the astral plains and this was some shape-shifting spirit that got in her head and copied a recent memory. Alexi's face dead-paned, "Go away, spirit. You aren't funny. Kankuro's not even a real human."

"What?" The 'Kankuro' said, entirely confused, "What are you talking about? I'm not a spirit. Who are you? What are you doing out here? We thought you were an enemy spy. We could have killed you."

"Alright, so props for roleplaying but, seriously. Leave. Be gone. You're not welcome here." She pushed her energy out in a way that should have communicated she meant business. Kankuro seemed unfazed. That was…not right.

"_You're _not welcome here." He said, motioning with his hands and emanating a rather frustrated aura.

Alexi finally stood up and approached the men. She had had just about enough of this spirit's little game. She reached up with her hand, pulling energy around it to disrupt an entities anchor and pushed on his chest. Then she jumped back in surprise. One; he should be gone now but her wasn't. Two; he shouldn't have felt so solid. This was not normal. "What are you?" she murmured.

"A very irritated ninja. I'm taking you in for interrogation."

"What? What for?"

"You're a stranger snooping around the borders of Suna. You don't look like you're from any allied village and you're acting like a crazy person. I'm not taking any chances." He reached for her arm and she avoided it half-heartedly. She felt no influence from him like she would with an entity. So now she was just curious. He tied her wrists together, which was very unwelcome but, hey, apparently these guys were ninjas. Not going to risk getting stabbed in the neck because she was uncomfortable.

They pushed forward into the desert without hesitation. Alexi was dressed for a night at home and her air conditioner had been broken all summer, so she was dressed for heat but not for a ruthless sun in a cloudless sky. A tank-top and soft, comfortable pajama pants helped some, but she could feel her light olive skin burning after only a few minutes. Her bare feet tried fruitlessly to be light and avoid hot sand. At least the sun was getting lower. Then again, this was a desert so that might not be a good thing.

Of course they stopped for the night when the sun was down. A couple of tents were set up and Alexi was staked in the corner of one. Kankuro was nice enough to give her a spare blanket so she didn't freeze to death. She still didn't sleep well though. Forget being forced to sit upright. She was in a tent with a strange man, had no idea where her friend was, had no idea where _she _was. Her stress levels were through the roof. Every now and then, she'd jump awake for no apparent or logical reason. It kept Kankuro up, too.

The next day, she was tiered, sunburned, and irritable. Stress and hunger also added to her mood. Her feet burned on the sand and, eventually, she had enough and plopped down, refusing to move until something was done about her feet.

"What were you doing in the wilderness without shoes in the first place?" One of the masked ninja asked as her feet were wrapped in a strip of cloth.

"Crushing grapes for fine wine." Was her sarcastic remark.

"Avoiding questions will only make things worse for you." Kankuro warned.

Alexi tested her new, makeshift shoes by patting her feet on the ground before standing, "I don't even know where or how I got here. You expect shoes to be at the top of my priorities list?"

"And what is at the top of your list?" he pressed, obviously trying to pry information out of her and determine if she was an enemy spy.

"Well, my friend is missing, for starters. I don't know where she is or if… Finding her is my biggest problem right now." Alexi tried not the think about the possibility that Alyssa might have been destroyed in the astral. She doubted such a thing was possible but, if it were, it would take an extremely powerful entity.

She sensed Kankuro's suspicion increase. Or was it curiosity? It was hard to tell sometimes. Alexi was an empath; someone able to feel another's emotion as their own. Working with her gift had helped her in many ways. At this point in her life, she was able to interpret what someone was thinking, what they wanted to hear or see, or even see from their point of view. She wasn't able to read minds, but she was damn close, depending on the person she was reading. Kankuro was a relatively normal subject. His constant suspicion kept a weak barrier between her empathy and his emotions, but it just meant she'd have to concentrate slightly if she wanted an accurate read.

They continued on their journey with no real excitement other than her occasional, witty remarks or sarcastic answers to questions that hit too close to home. She was a private person; didn't like people prying too much into things. They finally reached Suna at dusk and she was brought to a building, immediately. They sat her in a room with nothing but a chair and a mirror and left her there. At least they had had the kindness to untie her hands.

Of course, she was well aware that the mirror was a two-way but, she had been in the desert for two days. She had a right to inspect the damage the sun had done to her poor face. Red splotches covered her cheeks, nose, chin, and forehead. Her normally dark, brunette hair was several shades lighter from being bleach by the sun. She dared to move the strap of her tank-top just slightly off her shoulder to see the stark comparison of bright pink on comparatively pale skin. The motion stung her sensitive flesh and she cringed. She turned around to try and she her back. She pulled over the curtain of dark hair and found that it had done a decent job of shielding her back from the heat. At least there was that.

She sat back in the chair and undid the bandages around her feet. Before moving back over to the mirror and cupping her hands over the glass to try and see through it, "Hello?" She called, "Is anyone out there? Could I get some aloe for my skin? It's really uncomfortable. There was no answer. She looked at the empty room and sighed. "What do you want me to say? I'm an enemy spy, here to bring your secrets back some nameless village and ruin your country in favor of my own? 'Cause I'm not. Seriously, I'm the farthest thing from stealthy you will ever find in human incarnation." Then she thought of something. She might not actually be in the astral plains. She might have actually been captured by ninjas. But how the hell could that have even happened? She had always believed that there were different dimensions. Did she…? No. No way. That just wasn't possible.

Was it?


End file.
